We are hoping to help you have these conversations with your kids and students. These are meant to be “best practices” but every situation is different. Hopefully these thoughts can help you as you navigate tricky conversations at home.

This has been one of the most important parent/child conversations for centuries. You would think we’d figure it out at some point, right?! The problem is that every child is different, which makes every conversation different. Here are three common mistakes parents make with “THE talk,” followed by a few tips on how to have this discussion with kids and students. However, we would urge you to use the resources at the bottom to help further prepare!

Mistake #1

Parents are often afraid to say the wrong thing, so they don’t say anything. If you don’t have this conversation with your kids, someone will. Even if you’re not prepared to handle this conversation like a child psychologist would, doing your best is significantly better than saying nothing at all. The mistake here is that sex becomes a taboo topic! And if you don’t talk about it, your kids might assume it’s bad. Sex is good! Gender is good!! God made them, how could they be bad?! Be excited to have this talk with your kids. That could change their view of it!

Mistake #2

In an attempt to shelter our kids, parents often unintentionally muzzle the truth. We are not suggesting that you should tell your elementary age children EVERYTHING when it comes to sex, but they do need the truth. Find ways to tell the truth, without feeling forced to tell the whole truth. Example, a parent called me a few months ago explaining that their daughter came home asking what “69” was. The parent clearly didn’t see this one coming and were looking for some guidance on how to handle it. After talking for a little while, it became clear to the parent, that their daughter was going to find out what this number meant, whether from mom/dad or from her friends. However, for obvious reasons they were reluctant to tell their daughter the FULL truth to her question. Based on the age of their daughter, I suggested that they tell her the truth about it being a reference to a sexual act. That sex in the boundaries of a loving marriage is a good/beautiful thing, but not something to be joked about at school with their friends. That is the truth, but not the whole truth. The parents were able to protect their daughter’s innocence while also shaping her view of sex. This same scenario could play out in hundreds of conversations. Kids need the truth, or else they will find it somewhere else, but they might not need the whole truth until they are older.

Mistake #3 What Age Should We have This Talk?

Most experts would tell you that this talk should happen when the child is between 7-9 years old. Some studies have shown that two factors could make you want to have the talk earlier in that window rather than later: 1) If there are older siblings in the house. Kids with older siblings seem to pick up on things quicker than first born children. 2) Screen time. The more time that kids have access to movies, shows, and social media has caused the age of sexual realization to become earlier and earlier. Experts still say 7-9 is a good developmental window for THE talk, but pay attention to your child. Notice if they are getting curious and starting to have questions. Don’t set a date to have the talk. Have the talk when they are ready for it, not when you’re ready for it!

How to have THE PRE talk talk with your preschooler

This is where the ground work is laid so that THE talk feels more natural when it’s time. From a very young age here are 4 things you can do: 1) Call body parts by their actual names. Don’t use euphemisms. 2) Talk about the differences between boys and girls. 3) Begin helping them understand where/what their “private parts” are. Talk about places that they are allowed to touch, but others are not. Where it's appropriate to be naked and where it isn’t. 4) Show appropriate affection in the family. They should be hugged and kissed, but also should see mom and dad displaying the same kind of affection.

How to have THE Talk with your older elementary child

First of all, find a way to make it an experience. Take them out for ice cream. Roast marshmallows in the back yard. Go to a movie or sporting event before or after. The goal is that this wouldn’t feel like a milestone conversation to them, but simply another fun day with mom/dad. When you start the conversation, jump in it! There isn’t always a smooth transition. Once the conversation starts, here are 5 things to be sure to hit: (HOW YOU HIT THESE WILL DEPEND ON THE AGE OR UNDERSTANDING OF YOUR CHILD, BUT ALL OF THESE SHOULD BE A PART OF THE CONVERSATION)

·      Genesis 1:26-27

The starting point of this conversation is that God made boys and girls. He made them both in his image. And verse 31 he says “It was very good.” Boys and girls are different, but both made in the image of God. Both are “fearfully and wonderfully made”. This isn’t a “Dirty” conversation. It’s not a secret. Gender and sex are good things!!!

·      Body parts

Hit the big details, but also don’t just make it all about the sex organs! It’s okay to acknowledge the differences in average height of boys and girls. Or the ages to which bodies start changing being different for boys and girls. Or hair and who gets it where (That rhymed ).

·      Where do babies come from?

This is where parents often get the most nervous. Frame this part of the conversation with God’s word! Sex should happen inside the bounds of a marriage between a husband and wife. See notes on our page about Sex and Marriage. This would also be the time to help them understand puberty.

·      Pornography/Masturbation

This might seem too PG13. And I might tend to agree if I hadn’t had multiple kids younger than 9 years old in my office because they are addicted to pornography. You don’t have to go too in depth, but there needs to be a conversation about the desires they will one day have and how to appropriately/Godly respond to those desires.

·      End with Jesus!

Always end with Jesus! Sex is a good thing! But it can cause problems when done outside of his design. That he knows what’s best for us. Also, acknowledge they might make mistakes, Jesus is ready to handle those too!

You know your child best! The level to which you dig into each of these subjects will differ. This also should not be a one-time conversation, but an ongoing conversation in your home. Normalize these kinds of conversations!

How to have THE POST talk talk with your teenagers

Anything that hasn’t been a conversation to this point, because it felt too rated R, all bets are off now. More than likely your teenager knows way more than you did at this age about sex. Here are a few things to make sure you continue to talk with them about at this stage of their development: 1) Dating. Set your guardrails and explain them. 2) Sexting, consent, STDs, rape, etc. 3) Guilt and Shame. This is the stage where mistakes could have been made. Help them to know that they still have a family that loves them and a Savior who died for them. 4) Who can they talk to? They are now at an age where they don’t want to talk to Mom and Dad about this stuff. Help them know who they can talk to. Get them around other adults you trust. Give them permission to talk with those other adults without fear that you will find out.

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