Note: These pages are a list of topics that parents have asked for help navigating. These are not necessarily meant to be conversations that you should have with your kid/teen, but more helpful as you navigate parenting in general. These are designed to start the conversation, not answer ever issue that might surround it. Do more research! Follow up these ideas with a conversation with another trusted parent. Our goal is to start the conversation and help point you in the right direction. The goal is not to give you all the answer!
The problem probably isn’t actually the problem
As parents we get in the bad habit of treating the symptom rather than the problem. Don’t get me wrong… Tylenol has it’s place, but it doesn’t cure anything. If someone has a broken bone, Tylenol might help with the pain, but it’s not solving the problem. If you have a disease or infection, Tylenol might help with the fever or some of the symptoms, but it certainly isn’t solving the problem. We know how to fix broken bones. We’ve cured diseases. We can stop infections. But we need the right medicine.
Often, that’s what happens in parenting. We don’t really notice that there is an issue going on until our child gets in trouble at school, or lashes out, or starts crying, or behavior starts changing. When those things happen, we take notice! We immediately act to fix the problem!! “You have to listen at school” “You have to control your emotions!” “That’s not a reason to cry!” Sometimes we even help them take steps to BEHAVING better. More often than not, their behavior is a reflection of the real problem, it’s not THE problem. Behavior is the pain of the broken bone or the fever of the infection. You can fix the pain and fever, but that wont solve the problem. Here are more examples of what this might look like: pornography could be a symptom of a bigger issue of lust. Addiction could be a bigger issue of a void they are trying to fill. Sudden changes in behavior are often a symptom of relationship issues. Lashing out is often a symptom of built up pain or fear on the inside. Quitting something they’ve loved to do for a long time could be a symptom of fear of failing. Etc.
What is the real problem?
This goes against the point of this whole conversation, but it’s important to remember that sometimes the problem IS the problem. There isn’t always a deeper issue. The key is to figure it out so we can respond to it with the right kind of “medicine”. The tricky thing can be that often your son/daughter (just like a doctor’s patient) doesn’t know what the real issue is. Therefore, you might not be able to just ask “What’s the problem?” There’s a good chance they don’t know, or maybe aren’t ready to say out loud. Here are a couple things to help identify the real issues: 1) Have there been recent changes in their lives? 2) Have they been trying to tell me something recently that I’ve missed? 3) When was the last time you REALLY talked to them? Make time while tossing the ball in the backyard, or in the drive thru at Starbucks. “Is there something you want to talk about?” Or “You haven’t seemed yourself lately, you doing okay?” Are great questions. 4) Have they experienced any sort of trauma recently? 5) What are their actions saying? Not their words, but their actions. What are they trying to tell you?
How do we fix it?
More than likely, you can’t! Most often your best response is a hug and a short reminder of your love for them. Sometimes our instincts are to solve the problem, but empathy is more likely the best medicine in that moment. The two things that will help the issue as time goes on are 1) Jesus and 2) other people not Mom/Dad who continue to walk through the issue with them. Mom and Dad will always be influential voices, but kids and students need other voices as well. Whatever the deeper issue in their lives, your best medicines are: Jesus, empathy/love, other Godly voices.