We are hoping to help you have these conversations with your kids and students. These are meant to be “best practices” but every situation is different. Hopefully these thoughts can help you as you navigate tricky conversations at home.

From a philosophical perspective, the title of this article is probably a universally recognizable truth. The concept that failure is an essential aspect of human development is not groundbreaking. However, when it is your own child facing failure, the situation becomes more complex. In a culture where every aspect of our lives is subject to constant scrutiny and comparison, how can we ensure failing is constructive in our children’s lives? We desire our children to fail and learn from their mistakes, but we also hope to guide them in a way that prevents them from failing too severely. So, where’s the line? What if we shifted our focus from our children’s achievements to their character and identity? In John 13, Jesus claims that His disciples will be known by their love for one another, not by their accomplishments, accolades, salaries, college acceptance letters, musical talents, or athletic skills. It’s not that these things are inherently negative, but Jesus appears to place less importance on them. In another Bible story, God instructs Samuel to anoint a new king over all Israel. After Samuel looks at all the men who “look the part” God selects David, a lowly shepherd boy. God says that he does not look on the outward appearance as man does, but on the inward. If God looks at the heart, then we should too, but that’s not so easy when culture seems to judge solely based on the outward appearances. So how do we have these conversations with kids and teenagers?

Teaching your elementary kids it’s okay to fail

When dealing with younger kids, it’s crucial for them to understand they can bring their failures to God and to you. Encouraging children to reflect on their failures and how to learn from them is healthy. However, if we fixate on our mistakes rather than focus on the opportunities for growth, it almost always leads to anxious and unhealthy thoughts. Peter encourages all Christ followers to cast their anxiety on Jesus because He cares for them, and the same is true for your kid! Instead of dwelling on their shortcomings, we should be teaching kids to engage in reflective prayer, seeking God’s guidance and direction in their lives. Furthermore, the culture of our home should be one that encourages kids to openly confess their failures and shortcomings to their parents and trusted adults in their life. You may recall being young and unsuccessfully attempting to alter a report card grade with a marker. This is because it’s so easy for younger kids to attach their identity with how they are graded and judged, erroneously believing that their parents’ love fluctuates based on academic or athletic performance. While addressing something like a low-test score is a positive step, it can quickly become detrimental when children start to perceive themselves as inadequate because of it. Instead, our focus should be on their love for Jesus and people.

Teaching your teenager it’s okay to fail

Teenagers aren’t much different than kids, but the failures and mistakes are often more significant. If a 4th grader gets a bad grade on a math test, it’s probably not a major concern. However, if your junior in high school who aspires to attend that one college gets a 65% on their chemistry test, that could be a more significant setback. How can we encourage them to confess their failures in a healthy and reflective manner and detach their identity from their performance? Jesus calls us to be perfect, just as our Father in Heaven is perfect. However, that never changes His love for us or His willingness to sacrifice His life so that we may live in Him!

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