Note: These pages are a list of topics that parents have asked for help navigating. These are not necessarily meant to be conversations that you should have with your kid/teen, but more helpful as you navigate parenting in general. These are designed to start the conversation, not answer ever issue that might surround it. Do more research! Follow up these ideas with a conversation with another trusted parent. Our goal is to start the conversation and help point you in the right direction. The goal is not to give you all the answer!

We want to be clear off that bat. This is not a conversation about punishment. Punishment is a part of discipline, but we are not going to spend any time telling you what forms of punishment should or shouldn’t be used in your home. Our goal is to start a conversation about what effective discipline looks like. This is not dependent on a form of punishment or lack thereof.

Common discipline mistake #1

The child or teenager being disciplined doesn’t know why they are in trouble. They don’t know what they did wrong, or at least do know why it got them in trouble. When discipline is needed, be clear as to why. Even make your son/daughter tell you themselves why the discipline was handed out. Even if they don’t agree with the discipline, they need to understand why they received it.

Common discipline mistake #2

We as parents are inconsistent. If we were honest, we’d admit that we are more ready to hand out discipline when we are stressed, busy, or tired. There are tons of reasons, but consistency in discipline is HUGE! If they did something wrong at 3:00pm on a Saturday and were disciplined for it. They should also be disciplined for it at 8:00pm on a Tuesday. This helps kids learn from their failures. CONSISTENCY!

Common discipline mistake #3

Losing your temper. There is a time and a place to raise your voice. But this should be borderline planned, and not reactionary. When you start yelling, they often stop listening. They might feel fear. The message might seem to have gotten across, but more than likely they didn’t learn much. So, take 5, take a lap, and come back once your heart rate is in the double digits!

Common discipline mistake #4

Every kid is different!! You might have found a good rhythm of discipline with your first child, but don’t assume that you can copy and paste it to #2! The same goes for advice from other parents or from articles or podcasts. Just because it worked for an “expert” doesn’t mean it’s the perfect plan for your child.

Common discipline mistake #5

When parents are “all bark, but no bite” or “all bite with no bark”. Sometimes parents make big threats, this is probably not a great strategy to begin with, but it gets even worse when there is no follower through. We’ve all promised we’d throw all the toys away if they didn’t clean their room… I’ve yet to meet the parent that actually did it! (We need to come up with better motivators of behavior!) When kids don’t see follow through, they will start to believe that it isn’t something that you care that much about. On the flip side, sometimes we punish in a way that doesn’t match the crime. Or we hold that punishment for too long and don’t give them space to prove that they have “learned their lesson”.

Common discipline mistake #6

Don’t leave Jesus out of discipline!!! There is no better time to point kids to the love and grace that we have in Jesus Christ than in these moments. Don’t use shame, but help kids know that they can talk to Jesus when they fail. That they can repent to Jesus as much as they can tell their sister they are sorry! Taking time to explain why something matters to God, not just to Mom and Dad can help their faith development as much as their behavioral development.

Common discipline mistake #7

You’re still mad at them when the discipline ends. Therefore, there’s no reconciliation or restoration. Do your best at all costs to end these situations with a hug. With a “I’m proud of you.” In some cases, maybe even with a surprise reward. These steps will remind them that they are loved even when they mess up. It will remind them that you disciplined them because you love them.

Good discipline for Kids

The goal with younger kids is to use discipline in a way that helps them know what is right/wrong or acceptable/unacceptable. Your consistency and clarity in these areas will prove to your kids what matters to you. Therefore, discipline should not be carried out angrily or aggressively (again there may be a time and place to raise your voice, but that should not be the norm). Discipline should be carried out in love with a desire to inform and teach kids in the ways of Jesus. We must be clear with the reasons for the discipline, and we must be consistent with it. The discipline doesn’t necessarily need to be “fair” or “equal” but it does need to be consistent and kids should be able to articulate the reasons for it.

Good discipline for teenagers

At this age the goal of discipline should shift from awareness to guidance. To use a driving metaphor… In our kids early years, discipline is to be used like road sign, alerting them to the dangers ahead. In the teenage years it should be more like guardrails to help keep kids from falling off the road as they blow through the signs. At this point our teens know what all the street signs say, but since their brains aren’t fully developed, they might blow right past them. Intentionally or not! In those moments discipline must continue to be clear, but consistency might look a little different. Teenagers must be given the opportunity to earn trust. Yes, they may break that trust, and discipline should happen! However, that discipline needs to have a clear end date when students have an opportunity to continue to grow their freedom. One day, not all that far from now, they will be on their own without your guardrails. Teenagers must be given the keys to learn how to drive! Of course, there should still be discipline at times, but it should look different than it did when they were 7 because the goals have changed.

Pro Tip:

Try making a contract with your kids and students whenever a certain behavior or action keeps getting them into trouble. Get out a sheet of paper, talk about the situation, clearly define the behavior or action. Make sure the kid or teenager understands and can articulate what you are desiring for them to learn in this season. Then ask them what they think would be fair disciplinary actions if those behaviors are not met? What about if it happens twice? What if they lie about it? At each step you can match discipline to the behavior or action. That way EVERYONE knows what will happen if the rules are broken. Also, put an end date on the contract! Not that the behavior would be okay at that point, but that the contract could be re-assessed if improvements had been made. Then have everyone sign it! Only caveat with this strategy is DON’T BE GENERIC! Be specific. Pick one behavior you’re trying to help them with. Pick one situation you are trying to help them understand. Don’t make a contract for their entire day or all-encompassing punishment. Do this in one area for a limited amount of time. This will give them tangible goals (that they had a voice in) and will make them feel a part of the decision.

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