We are hoping to help you have these conversations with your kids and students. These are meant to be “best practices” but every situation is different. Hopefully these thoughts can help you as you navigate tricky conversations at home.
-
Don’t have your son/daughter sit down at the kitchen table to have these conversations. Find a way to catch them when their walls are down. Take them after school to get their favorite Starbucks drink, throw the football in the backyard, or go out for a special parent/child dinner.
Lean on other trusted adults in their lives to help echo these conversations. Small group leaders, teachers, coaches, older siblings, etc. Can all be valuable resources to help drive home these messages in their lives.
Bullying
According to the Anti-bullying Alliance, bullying is, “the repetitive, intentional hurting of a person or group by a person or group, where the relationship involves an imbalance of power.” That means that bullying could be verbal, physical, psychological, or even done digitally. Bullying is a form of abuse and should be treated as such.
What is bullying is NOT?
It’s important to help kids and teenagers understand what bullying is, but also just as important to help them know what it is NOT! There is a significant difference between joking and bullying. A big difference between teasing and bullying. We are not suggesting that teasing/joking are always okay, but they usually aren’t bullying. We need to make that distinction. A friend may make a joke that hurts, but that doesn’t mean they intended it to hurt. A peer may tease about an outfit, but that doesn’t mean they tease you about it consistently. Be sure to sympathize with your kids but help them know the difference. Help them understand that relationships are hard but are worth the effort. As opposed to the opposite, if they believe that every time they are hurt, they are being bullied, they’ll struggle to find meaningful relationships.
Help them understand what to do WHEN they feel they have been bullied.
We are not suggesting that every student gets bullied, but nearly every student will feel bullied at some point. When a kid or student feels they may be a victim of bullying they should first talk with their parents or other trusted authority figure. This trusted loved one should help them process these things: 1) Was I hurt intentionally? 2) Have I been hurt consistently? 3) Did my actions have anything to do with it (not that this would justify it, but will help them process)? 4) How should I respond? The answers to these questions will not only help them process whether or not they were bullied, but also will help connect their brains to the emotions. The key here is…. If they feel like they have been abused or bullied in ANY way, they should speak up to a trusted loved one. Tip: Help identify trusted loved ones that they can talk to if they don’t want to talk with you about it!
What if your child sees someone else being bullied?
Step in and speak up! We want to raise kids that defend the vulnerable. Obviously, we aren’t suggesting physically, but emotionally and relationaly. We want to raise kids that comfort those who are hurting. This will also help them know when they are being bullied. Seeing it happen to someone else allows them to understand what they would want someone else to do for them.
Pro tip: Sometimes kids and teenagers will come to you telling you about what “Happened to their friend at school.” Often the story they tell happened to them personally, but they are wanting to see how you respond before they admit the truth. This is common with all different kinds of abuse. If your student comes to you talking about any type of bullying or abuse that has happened in their sphere, YOU WANT TO LISTEN!